On the Fear of Inadequacy…


Samia at 49 Percent has a great post up about belonging to the program she has been accepted to.  I have been thinking about writing on the same topic for a while now.

I also feel like I don’t belong and when she said ‘fooled some critical mass of important people in to thinking I belong’, that is pretty much how I feel. I feel like I am just fooling everyone…

I don’t wear it on my sleeves, but if one was observant they would be able to tell I am self conscious.  I’m worried that one day, I am going to say something ,and everyone is going to see right through me, see that I don’t have a fucking clue, and I don’t belong there.  I am afraid it is going to be next TA meeting, when all the other TAs see how inept I am at grading papers, I am afraid it is going to be when I turn my first draft of my review in to Dr. Jones and he sees I can’t write, and have no fucking clue what ‘peer review’ quality means.  I am afraid it will be some moment when I am talking with a grad student and don’t understand simple techniques that I should have learned at my undergrad.  I’m afraid my SPLAC wasn’t a good enough school, and I can’t hack it with the big boys.  I probably sound like a neurotic mess, and for all practical purposes I am.

However, each one of those fears drives me.  Each fear I listed, pushes me to write my review paper with the utmost quality, to ensure that I am working harder than the other grad students*.  Maybe I bit off more than I can chew, and maybe I am out of my league, but dammit I’m going to try!

Looking back on things I have mastered, for each one of them, I had similar fears, but those fears pushed me to try harder, to work harder, to be better, and to focus more.  Slowly I gained confidence, and slowly I mastered them.  My past fears pushed me to better, my fear of inadequacy drove me to where I am, and what I have achieved.  Eventually, as I became more proficient, and acquired mastery, the fear went away, and after that a new force motivated me.

The drive to be the best.

I am driven to be the best at everything I have ever put my mind to.  I want to be known as the best, I want people to say, “Yea, Epiphron, that guy was good…” The things I have mastered in the past, were not graduate school, and this is a different league, but one question remains.

Will I master this world?

Stay tuned to find out…**

*If I’m not smarter, I sure as fuck am going to outwork them…

**Ok, so that was cheesy, sorry about that, I kind of got carried away with this post, and to be honest, it has helped me, I feel more confident now.  Have a great day everyone!

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~ by epiphron13 on September 10, 2010.

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