Worry Revisisted.


I have been thinking quite a bit recently.  Mostly tonight, but also over the past few days about me worrying.  I’m afraid I will be measured and be found lacking.  I have been since I’ve gotten here, because of that I often times don’t ask questions I need to ask, say things I should have said, and put myself out there when I should have.  Basically, I am more conservative than I should be.  I look at my peers and I see the same thing in them.  I hear myself and others say ‘Oh, I didn’t spend much time on this’ or ‘I could have done better if I tried harder.’  I’ve been wondering to myself, are people intentionally writing poorly in order to convince people they are just to pressed to write well?  If so, how much are they hurting themselves?

I’ve reached a few conclusions, my writing needs to be improved, my skills of deduction are lacking, my knowledge of literature is not up to snuff, and I don’t give a fuck anymore.  Every other first year grad student is in the same boat.  We all need to improve, and we all have time to do it, right now.

I need to put myself out there, I need to say, this is where I am and I am comfortable with it, now help me improve.  My advisers, my committee members, and my professors expect a lot from me, however, they also see the potential in me to achieve what they expect.  I am not going to improve if I don’t put myself out there so my specific deficiencies can be addressed.

Furthermore, there is no ‘I could have…’ You do or you do not.  I could have doesn’t do shit for you.  The beastly paper I have been writing is not publishable, it is not going to intellectually advance the field, but if I don’t submit it, I may never be able to intellectually advance my field.

I intend to scan the paper one more time, address any glaring issues, and hand it to my adviser and say, this is where I am, it isn’t where I need to be, but tell me what I need to improve on so I can get there*.

*likely phrased differently.

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~ by epiphron13 on September 30, 2010.

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