On Significance and Acceptance.

Recently I contacted a program here on campus that I had some dealings with when I was at a different institution.  They seemed confused as to why someone would approach them offering help, were not very creative, and overall it didn’t go well and I left feeling pretty pissed.  See, I wanted to work with this program as a part of my broader impacts for the GRFP.  The ideas they gave were uninspired and wouldn’t really fit with me.  However, I have come up with a brilliant idea.  It is much bigger than me, and requires some level of cooperation from multiple labs in my department, and probably a few labs from other departments as well.  So, regardless, it is ambitious, but it is something that has worked on other campuses and I have seen run well.  Today, I got my first shot of support from a body that is larger than myself, a body with actual authorization and recognition.  It is looking like this is going to be something that will work, and I am excited.

In other non science news, we were invited to go to church somewhere else, and we accepted the invitation.  It turned out to be a great experience, as the people were exceptionally friendly.  The best news however was that another person I go to school with attends the same church and small group, and it may be a group of people we will meet with on a weekly basis.  It was so nice to have the two people we knew there, but everyone else was so welcoming, it was awesome, and I am looking forward to meeting with them again.

Patient Ferris Wheel

Pam is sick again.  She has been having the exact same stomach cramps she had before her second surgery.  I guess her doctor* has said there may be a serious problem.  I am not sure what that means, I really am not sure what anything means.  All I know is we can’t afford another surgery.  I am not sure how we got through the last three.  It couldn’t come at a worse time too.  I mean, there is no financial aid in sight, and Pam is looking at changing jobs.  Of course, every employer wants to hear, oh and I won’t be able to start for six weeks after you hire me.  I don’t know what the fuck to do.

*One of her three

Your place in line

I’ve been reading a lot of Sapolsky recently, if you’ve never read any of his work, I recommend you do.  He has pretty good insight in to what makes us tick, and I like to evaluate humans as animals, one of my favorite books is The Naked Ape.  Anyways, I was thinking about how baboons, and many animals set up dominance hierarchies, which caused me to wonder, why don’t humans?

After a few moments of introspection, it became clear to me that we in fact do.  The hierarchies just aren’t enforced in the same manner.  For instance, the hierarchy I am in runs as follows.

President–>dean–>provost*–>head of my college–>department head–>advisor/faculty–>our model organism–>grad students with bikes–>Me

If we had undergrads I suppose they would be underneath me, but we don’t, so I am at the bottom.  Ok, but what about the rest of the world?  Well, they have hierarchies too, for instance, the military has a clear hierarchy.  Corporate America has a hierarchy ascribed to it, pretty much everyone responds to a boss of some sorts, who responds to a boss, who responds to a boss, who owns the shit.  So, our hierarchies are different but clearly still there.  Most of them are hierarchies where we walk in to them, and it is fairly clear where we stand on the totem pole.  However, there is one place where no hierarchy is given.

High School.

All of a sudden everything smashed in to sharp focus.  In high school, we make our own hierarchy, which explains why high school fucking sucked**.  The students are left to establish a structure of who is in power and who isn’t, and left to their own devices, they fight and scratch and make their own.  Once it established, a lot of time is spent reinforcing it through teasing, fights, gossip and other methods.  We really aren’t that different from baboons are we?

After some thought, I began to ponder, college is similar to high school, no real structure to it, just a bunch of people interacting, why don’t you see similar behavior and clear social structure like you do in high school?  I have no fucking clue.  I’ve speculated a bit though, maybe because colleges are so much larger, the times you interact with someone multiple times is reduced, making nay hierarchy so fleeting they don’t matter.  Or perhaps my college was different?  Regardless I am not really sure, but it is an interesting thought experiment.

Thoughts?

*What the fuck is provost?  Are they higher or lower than a dean?  What the hell is a dean for that matter?

**Guess where I was on the totem pole?

Thursday, or Monday?

Today doesn’t feel right.  Right now, I’d usually be getting ready for lab, but not today.  We don’t have labs this week for whatever reason, so I am here at home telling myself I am working, when in reality I am writing a blog post.  I really only need to study for a test, and write some grants, both of which I have under control.  But, as you can see, I’m not doing either.

Pam has been feeling rather poor of late, her headaches continue to be horrible.  I’d like to get some answers to what has been hurting her, but anyone with a chronic issue that tries to find answers will tell you, it is a long road.  On the bright side, she is applying for 3 new jobs.  One she applied for in the past, but I have  a feeling she has a good shot this time.  The other two are in a completely separate field, but would be good moves for her, assuming they have healthcare.  She absolutely needs healthcare.  We will just have to wait and pray for a phone call.

It is the middle of the semester, things are mundane and boring.  A routine, you wake up every day, knowing what to expect and kind of go in to an autopilot.  Then all of a sudden finals smack you upside the head.  I am ok with that, I need some autopilot.  I’d like these last few semesters to end.  I’m ready to be done, but I still have two years.  Sounds so long…

Tragedy

More of my study organisms are dead.  We’ve had high mortality since the project started, and we’ve been adjusting the project since day one in an attempt to keep my study organisms alive, but sadly, mortality remains at an unpalatable 60%.  I am beginning to feel more and more as if I am standing on a sinking ship and am trying to nail the holes shut, and every nail I put in a board opens another hole.  Perhaps this melancholy will lift, perhaps it won’t, but in the meantime I am worried about my thesis.  All I want to do is defend and get a job.  I’d be happy with that, I can deal with that.  I am positive things aren’t as gloomy as they appear, as busted projects have been pushed through before, but it sucks dammit.

Changes

WordPress apparently made some changes on me, it has taken me a half hour to figure how the fuck to put a new post up.  Bastards.  I have also found that the window in which you enter blog posts is laggy.  I am not sure if it is my new computer or if WordPress made some changes to their overall format.  Regardless, I now compose my posts in Word and then past them in to WordPress.

I am contemplating starting a blog with Pam.  It wouldn’t be a chronicle of our lives or anything like that, it would focus on a specific aspect of our lives, how we have dealt with it, and what we do to stay alive.  Obviously, our personal lives would creep in to the blog, but the focus would be a label we have, and how we deal with that label.  I think it sounds fun, we will see what Pam thinks.

Academically, I had a presentation the other day, it went as well as could be hoped for, so I was pleased with that.  I think one presentation a year is sufficient until I get some actual data.  Next Fall, when I have data, I intend to present anywhere my advisor will let me, but for now, my objective is to acquire some funding and keep trucking through on my classes.

Speaking of presentations, I recently watched a professor give a presentation.  It was very good, his science was not in my field, but from my point of view there were no major flaws in his work.  However, towards the end he veered in to a very activist realm.  He was showing others data, and not nearly as completely as he had shown his own data.  I don’t think what he did was inappropriate, but it was interesting how you could feel a change in the weather when he stopped showing data and results and started talking about more abstract concepts.  I think I need to stew more on where the line should be drawn between scientist and activist, does credibility in one area help or hurt credibility in the other.  We all have things we advocate for, and I feel scientists should advocate for things they are passionate about, but I think how we do it is important as well.  Like I said, I need to think about this topic more…

Options

So, recently I have begun to explore employment options after I graduate.  I was mostly set on one career path, academia.  Recently, I have learned a couple of other routes may be open to me, so I will break down the following in order of desirability*.

1. Academia:  being a college professor is still my ultimate dream and goal.  It will likely be at the community college level, but I would enjoy that quite a bit.

2. Industry:  This last weekend I met a guy who works for the pharmaceutical industry, and well, he made a convincing case for working for them.  I would miss teaching, but it is hard to turn down money when you’ve been on a Ramen diet the last 9 years.  I could always do this for a while and then go in to academia after I’ve paid off some loans.

3. Teaching:  I recently learned that I would be able to teach at the high school level without any further certification or education.  I would have to get my certification later, but there are programs set up to make that possible.  It also turns out I may have an advantage over other candidates as there is a shortage of science teachers.

4.  Non-profit:  There is a group of non-profits I could work for, it wouldn’t be ideal, as I would be wasting my Master’s degree, but I have a strong application, as it has been an interest of mine for many years.  I would enjoy the work as well, but I think I would prefer a different route.

That is the general breakdown, I’d really enjoy the top 3 for different reasons, but could deal with all four at least temporarily.  Since I have begun looking in to my options I feel better and better about them every day.  Yea optimism!  Now if I could only finish my damn thesis….

 

*Likely to change on a whim…

Not entirely sure what to do.

This falls under the whole “I have things to do, but nothing pressing” topic.  I have a couple different things I could do right now.  I could 1.) hang out around the house and read blogs 2.) go to work and try to finish off this week’s data collection or 3.) write a proposal.

1.) Downside:  I have read all my blogs, and there really isn’t anything good to do on the internet anymore.  Upside:  I get to keep drinking coffee.

2.) Downside:  I have a lull in my day from 3 to 6 where I can’t do anything important, so I was going to do that then.  Upside:  I could go home from 3 to 6, maybe there will be something more interesting to do here then?

3.) Downside:  I am really not sure what I would write.  Upside, I get to keep drinking coffee, and I feel productive.

I think I will take option 2.) I like the upside the best, and the downside isn’t that big of a deal.  Besides I should have more data to analyze by this afternoon as well.

*I intend to apply for a lot of funding this year, however, nothing even opens until October.  I wrote a letter for a fellowship the other day and sent it off, but I really don’t expect to hear from them.  I guess having a generic proposal wouldn’t be bad.

Aftermath

Pam and I have resolved the issues circulating.  Domestic tranquility is restored.  I think from here on out I will use the letter approach, as it does allow me to voice my concerns to her, and it allows her the space to process them.  Sometimes I think she just needs space, but we also need to resolve our conflicts.

With domestic peace restored, I turn my focus to matters more related to daily life, namely, teaching.  I am teaching a different class this Fall, it is a class that is more suited to me in some ways, and is easier to teach, so I am very glad I landed the spot.  Additionally, unless something unforeseen occurs, I will likely teach this course until I graduate.  I’ve always enjoyed teaching, I find it…rewarding I suppose?  To be honest I am not sure why I enjoy teaching, perhaps it is because I am a social creature, and it allows me to interact with others?  Perhaps it makes me feel smart, but to be honest I’ve never really pondered why I enjoy teaching.  Regardless, if you were to draw a line in the sand, and put the scientists who teach in our department on one side, and the pure scientists on the other, I’d be on the teachers side.

I’ve always been annoyed at the stereotype of the scientist who can’t explain what he is doing to the lay person.  For starters, I think, for the most part that stereotype is false, most researchers who work at a university are required to teach, and have to have at least some ability to communicate with lay persons.  Additionally, there is a quote in Cat’s Cradle “any scientist who can’t explain to an eight-year old what he is doing is a charlatan.”  While, I don’t think it is gospel, I do feel there is a nugget of truth to it.  We should be able to explain what we are doing to the general public, and I would hope most scientists are, and do try to interact with the general public in some manner.

Fighting

About 5 this morning, a fight started.  How does a fight start at 5 in the morning one asks?  Well, I will tell you how a fight starts.  Shithead decided he wanted to go to the other side of the bedroom this morning.  He was feeling especially spry, and decided rather than walk around the bed, like a civilized kitty would do, he would jump on the bed and go over, bounding over both Pam and I.  Pam, being sort of asleep, felt the cat’s feet hit her throat and grabbed him and threw him.  Not extremely hard, but with enough force that he hit the wall.  I am absolutely positive that she didn’t mean for him to hit the wall, but it scared the shit out of Shithead.  I went and checked on him, and was rather peeved Pam would do that, even unintentionally.  Later, I called her out on it.  She was upset and hasn’t talked to me since*.  Now there are two different issues in place here which I will address separately.

The first is how she treated the cat.  The cat did something stupid, he should have not been a dick and stepped on her throat, but that doesn’t make what Pam did right either.  Cats will be dicks, it happens, she needs to control her anger, and how she lets it out.  What if that would have been our child who jumped her on her in the middle of the night?  Why should I think she would handle that situation any better than she did with the cat?  The fact that she didn’t mean to doesn’t make it ok either, she could have severely injured the cat.  In general she needs to establish an outlet for her anger, she has trouble misplacing it.  She isn’t violent, but when she has a bad day at work, she comes home in a bad mood and takes it out on me, which is unacceptable.  I am not entirely sure how well this conversation will blow over when she gets home but it needs to be said.

 

The second issue is how she handled me calling her out on it.  She gets mad at me for calling her out, which isn’t fair.  She messed up, I called her out, I expect her to do the same to me.  I realize she felt bad about Shithead already, but I need to impress upon her exactly how severe this is, and we need to talk about.  Whenever I confront her, or call her out, she gets really upset and won’t talk to me, she makes me feel like it was my fault, like I did something wrong.  So then whatever issue started the conflict just gets forgotten and washed under the rug.  We will never survive as a couple without appropriate conflict resolution.

Now for a resolution, how do we address these issues without her shutting down.  I need to communicate with her how I feel, why I am upset, and why this is important to me, and she never lets me do that.  Perhaps I will write her a letter, and leave it in the car for her at work.  That way I can clearly articulate my thoughts, and she can get them all, and then when she is ready we can talk.

*Approximately 3 hours.